Oh my. This was my favorite reading thus far. bell hooks' work is usually my favorite to read in my women's studies classes because of the way she uses personal narrative to illustrate such powerful arguments. I related to so much of what hooks said as I was reading. Her introduction about the desire for the yellow dress and learning to silence her own desires leading to "class shame" reminded me of a yellow dress I begged for when I was 13 and attending a bat mitzvah for a girlfriend. I remember sobbing in the store with my mother because she told me we could not afford it, it was sixty dollars and "a waste of money." We drove all the way home from the store and my mother continued to lecture me about how I would wear it once and never touch it again, how I would spill something on it, how I didn't understand money. I remember telling her that all the other girls in my class were so pretty and going to have pretty dresses and have their nails done and that I would feel ugly. Something about this struck a chord in my mother, who grew up very poor. I went to sleep that night sad and mortified, and the next day, I woke up and the dress was hanging on my bedroom door. Something about me feeling ugly and inadequate caused my mother to go out and buy me the dress with her credit card, and I wore it countless times even when it was inappropriate- like to school- because I was so proud to own such a pretty thing.
The piece about bell hooks learning to silence her desires also resonated with me. I think that is something I learned to do as a teenager, and I think it has led to and contributed in part to some really negative things that have happened to me, like rape, when having a voice and a clear idea of my boundaries and desires would have been vital for my survival. I think this is a dangerous plight of minorities of all kinds, but as hooks says, class is an oppressive force that often goes un-talked about in a way that the blood ties of race or the solidarity of what it is to be woman do not. The only other type of oppression I can relate to class is being queer, because I know that I have often struggled with my queerness due to the fact that unlike daughters who can go to their mothers and sisters or people of color who can go to their bloodlines, queer kids almost always have straight parents, avoiding and ignoring their oppressions related to their genders and sexualities.
The narrative about going to the all women's college was another point that resonated deeply with me. When I first started college I attended University of Tampa, an almost all white, blonde, straight, wealthy school population in Florida right on Tampa Bay. I was confused when I first arrived and realized that for almost three weeks straight, students went out to bars where they could be served underage, swiping their parents credit cards every single night and skipping their classes during the day. I remember thinking to myself, "Aren't these kids paying for school? Clearly they don't appreciate it."
I felt like an outcast at that school because I was a queer gal, an academic nutcase and a working class student who cared only about my grades. I never partied, while everyone around me took atevan cocktails and cocaine on a regular basis. I ended up really missing home and finding that UT was not worth the 17,000 dollars I had anticipated it being. My parents knew I was unhappy and convinced me to transfer to RIC.
I have been far more successful and happy, finding people I can relate with and professors who understand my crazy life and work schedule at Rhode Island College. This is largely because we at RIC are used to these kinds of feelings and thoughts even if only on a subconscious level without any language, because we are a working class school. Being part of a community that embraces the commuter, the worker, the broke college student and the importance of ordering books online rather than in the bookstore has been crucial for my survival throughout my college career. bell hooks did not necessarily change any of my thoughts or feelings about class or my identity, but she certainly brought lots of them to the forefront for class discussion tomorrow.
love this. love the yellow dress
ReplyDelete